Hi thoughts.  I'm still here.  Some set backs this weekend.  The new guy is really great, we had a pretty great time Friday but there was some drama with the ex and it just feels like it pretty much scared him off.  I mean he still texts but it's not like before and honestly I'm ok with that.  

It was fun to think about him being the one but it was too much too soon for me, if it works it works--that's where I'm at with it.  If it doesn't i'll be just fine. 

The good news is that I'm feeling better.  I go to bootcamp tonight, my kids are home from the weekend with their dad.  I worked out twice this weekend and really kept to my meal plan so I'm seeing more results and that's wonderful. 

When it's the right time, it's the right time and I'll know it and not like I said I knew it about the new guy, I mean I think it will be more organic, truly I don't know.  In the mean time, I'm focusing on me and healing up after all the terrible things I've been through.  It's hard.  It would be so much easier with someone's arms around me but honestly going out with him this weekend, the first guy I've been out with since the alcholic, was strange.  

I mean there's still chemistry and we laughed and talked for hours but I'm not good at dating.  I'm like an instarelationship person and that's not ok.  

I'm going to take it so slow.  He's not ruled out.  He's just not going to be someone I elope with next week and that's ok.  I'm not bummed, i've always known him, I will always know him.  He's not said a thing about not seeing me again, it just feels off now and I don't want to get hurt so I'm going to chill a little.  

The truth is that I feel like maybe I was grabbing onto the new guy like a life preserver.  I have tons of nervous energy, like fear that I'll be alone for the rest of my life nervous energy.  I don't want to be like this, I don't need another instarelationship.  Grasping onto the first guy that gives me any attention is not cool so right now I'm going to focus on using that nervous energy for positive stuff.  I mean I've pretty much maxxed out the working out and diet thing, I don't think there is much more I can do there.  I'm so sick of the house but the fact is that it alone might wreck any chance I would have at having a relationship again.  It's scary.  I should focus on that for sure.

Of course my main focus above all these things, something I don't talk about much primarily because my life already revolves around them in just about every way-- is my kids.  We have so much fun.  I love them with all my heart.  They really are just good people.  I'm so lucky that I get to be their mom, I get to love them and play with them and help guide them into who they're meant to be.  Just the most precious things in my whole world. 

They make me want to be better each and every day.  

In truth, my heart is hurting, I don't really know why.  It's not the new guy, he's not been in the picture long enough to have hurt me and honestly he's not backed off like that much, I think it's that I broke my own heart a little bit by thinking I can rush into something else and not feel these feelings.  My life really changed.  For the better, for worse in some ways and even though I hate him, everyone that loves me hates him there are lots of things I didn't hate too.   

Don't get me wrong thoughts.  There is nothing in this world that would ever make him appealing to me, or get back into my life--especially now that I've gotten the police department involved in my crusade.  

I don't regret breaking up with the alcholic.  I don't even miss him physcially or mentally.  I miss warmth.  I miss having someone there to just be there someone that I know is going to be there when I go to sleep and when I wake up.  I pretty much missed those things when I was with him too though.  

Feeling happy for a week was great.  I got that from it if nothing else and that was a week of happiness I hadn't had in the longest time, I remember happy exists because of that.  

Feeling the feelings, channelling the nervous energy into the house instead of into a guy, and still focusing on building relationships and trying to remember how to have fun.   Super hard with the looming V day and singleness.  But i'll be ok.  I'll be ok.  

I have so many blessings in my life that focusing on the few little insignificant problems would be amiss.  Thoughts is one of my biggest blessings.  Thank you for being here and making the hard days not so bad, you'll never know how much you mean to this girl!

 

Lots of love Thoughts, 

juls

 

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