A word that doesn't exist for us but should.

I don't know why the last few days I've just been so blah. 


I guess I feel stuck still.  


Even though I've got progress waiting, literally listings are waiting for me, I just feel like shrinking. 


A dear lifelong friend, almost family member (his aunt has been married to my uncle for 50 years, we share first cousins, grew up in the same church, played as kids, I did all his insurance, he has done all the paid remodeling on my house), he was killed Friday.  His new truck just died on the highway, he pulled over, popped the hood, walked around to the front of the vehicle and was hit by an 18 wheeler and killed. 


We were the same age. 


I have let it derail me since then.  I just feel like what's the damn point of hustling if it's just going to be upended like that.  Fuck. 


I was so motivated and on such a good keel before this.  He wouldn't want me to be circling the drain over it.  He was on a good keel too.  I think that is exactly what's messing me up so much.  He came from a super messed up family.  I mean my aunt, his aunt..she's a wonderful person, so are her sisters but his dad--their brother was a drug dealer and his mom abandoned him and his five brothers and sister in an apartment in Houston when they were kids.  They were there for over a week alone without any food when my aunt and her sisters hunted them down and brought them back here.  


He had no right to be decent.  He had trouble with drugs when we were young.  He cleaned himself up.  Started a business, employed his brothers, took care of his son all alone.  


He was private.  Like me.  Which has proven to be a righteous mess for his family.  I see how I am more clearly now.  I just don't like lots of people up in my business.  


I'm still dealing with his family on his insurance policies.  As I sit here typing I  am staring down a little message asking that I return his sister's phone call from yesterday when I was out with my kids.  The pale blue sticky note curled around the edges from my rubbing my thumb against it in worry. 


I'll call her.  I just need a minute or two to gain composure because I will cry.  I know I will cry.


The smile on his face is all I remember.  He paid cash for that truck just a few weeks ago.  He came into my office to put it on the policy and he was so proud, he sprawled across my office chair with a grin from ear to ear.  


What an accomplishment for a boy who had no reason to not be a drag on society.  


Everyone keeps saying "Well, at least he found God".  I guess.  I dunno.  I mean he had rejoined the cult we were raised in and that's brought up a bunch of emotions for me.  

I mean my whole family goes there.  


I just can not swallow some of the things that they teach there.  


They are so judgmental.


They believe they are the only church going to heaven.  Catholics are the same as satan worshippers in their eyes.  Still both are better than women, specifically single women who dare not speak in front of men in the building.  


I watched them excommunicate a 16 year old homosexual boy.  In front of a congregation of 500 people.  They called him to the front, made him face the audience as 15 of the elder men told him why he could no longer attend that church.  


Fuck that.  


I'll never agree to that.  


I'm going to try to turn this mood around.  I'm going to try to find something to do to let out this aggression and upset.  


My bad mood is lending to unrest.  I feel like I'll never get past this place I hate, this house I hate, that there's no reason to even try.  


I will beat this.  


My dear boyfriend took me to a local town over the weekend and we camped out, fished, let the water try to ease the pain, then went dancing for hours at this little cowboy bar and it totally took my mind off of things.  I mean mostly.  


Then we came back and he got busy, he owns an AC company and June in South Texas is like hell for AC people and I got sad.  


It's only been a few days.  I can turn this around.  I have listings waiting and I will not let this ruin me.  I will make myself a list, pick myself up and get on with things.  


Progress report imminent.  




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Comments (7)

  1. RRoe

    Hugs. Life is just what it is until it isn’t. My sympathies. on another day we can talk about the cult, now is not a good time.

    June 21, 2017
    1. juls

      Thanks Rroe. I would’ve edited if I could have to say I’m glad he found peace and happiness in that church. I don’t begrudge anyone that, not even if they judge me for not finding peace and happiness in it. I know I’m messed up from it. There are whole support groups for ex-members. Wish there was one online

      June 21, 2017
  2. juls

    In researching that support group I found whole churches created by people just like me for the exact same reasons I left that church. I sure wish one of them were close. Like church based on the way I was raised but without the discrimination and guilt and hail fire and brimstone at every turn. I think it’s worth a road trip to experience at least once. Seriously. I am just too evolved to live here and yet my kids are happy here, so I’ve got to suck it up and stay at least until the little one graduates and then have a life plan in place to bail asap. Preferrably to the water—nearer to more like minded non rednecks. xoxo, j

    June 21, 2017
  3. dreamshadow59

    I have a firm belief that there IS a God, Spirit, Or SOME higher power that loves us all. I believe that organized religion is NOT necessary as Our Higher Power Loves us all equally, no strings or conditions. My motto is to try and love every body and live as good as we can. If we do, Karma, or our Higher Power, will recognize us and reward us for our efforts. Hope you feel better soon. I am sorry for your loss.

    June 22, 2017
    1. wirelessguru1

      Hello, hello, I AM right here! WAKE UP!!!

      June 22, 2017
      1. dreamshadow59

        Hehehehehe…What TOOK you so long? I was expecting you. Hehehehehe.

        June 22, 2017
        1. wirelessguru1

          Well, I AM not always chasing your tail…

          June 23, 2017