You know, the last few years of my life have been pretty much a shit show.
I'll be the first one to say it.
I mean if you've read anything I've written you know that I'm a hot mess pretty much even on my best days.
The thing is that I'm still here.
Things are finally rolling for me. I can hardly believe it. I finally feel unstuck and instead of anxiety I feel excited for the first time in so long.
Now I know they aren't going to all be good days going forward. I get that there will still be idiots and jackasses trying to derail me at most every turn but this time I think I got just the tiniest little ally that makes me feel bulletproof.
Gosh that sure helps.
Like the wind finally hitting my sails and carrying me away from this puddle of dispair.
I have one thing to say about the characters who have populated my life for the last few years.
They are forgiven.
I expected them to look out for me, to make decisions in my best interest, to push me to where I feel like I should be, to care more about my well being than their own.
What a complete load of crap. My expectations of them were way off. No one could live up to that.
Here's the thing I've learned. No one is coming to help or save or make it all better or force me to succeed or produce or have standards... No one.
If I'm going to get the eff out of here I'm going to have to get it done myself.
I have gotten pulled out into some crazy tangents. I'm not going to say this current realization is far off. I'm going to say it took all those to stand where I'm standing right this second. I truly mean what I'm going to say next: I forgive myself for being weird, for being angry, for being hurt and sad and depressed and confused and victimized and stuck and desperate and all the other messy, ugly things I've let myself get to. I totally forgive myself.
I learned a few things about myself recently.
It consumed most of my mental energy and what was left over afterwards was a buuuuuuummmer.
I decided to not complain about anything, not any single thing at all not to anyone, not even myself for one day and do you know what happened?
I had the sharpest mental image of a childlike version of myself in my mind's eye that had been hiding behind a huge mirror peek around the edge as if to check and see if the coast was clear. Very vividly I saw this. Almost as if to say, 'Is the horrible person that's been criticizing me for my whole life really taking a day off?'
Instantly I felt at ease.
Then I thought about myself, my life, my situation, my talents, my potential, my problems and looked at those as if I were looking at someone else's life because for some reason it's so much easier to see what other people should do.
And I made yet another list and started to attack it and actually made a little progress.
Then I got overwhelmed and I stagnated as I always.
Then I was reminded of when I was young. Things got accomplished...how did that happen? My room got cleaned, the dishes got done, I studied and worked out...what was different? I was being parented.
The thing is that the life coach I'm going to tell you about later was right. You have to parent yourself just like you parent your children. No one feels like cleaning up or paying the bills or making the hard calls but they have to get done.
The funny thing? I am a far bigger brat about doing things than my children are. I didn't want to balance my check book, order those real estate signs, get that mountain of real estate paperwork in order because I was waiting on some dream job or passion to present itself to me, some dream man to come into my life and insist on doing everything for me, a unicorn to ride in on the sunset and scoop me up out of my puddle, read my mind and carry me away into carefree fun land.
So this came from a life coach. Not just a life coach...THE life coach as far as I'm concerned. Mel Robbins.
Then she referred me back to that list I neglected earlier. She said that there is just too much information going through our brains at any given time. It's on overload and the fact that I can't knock out all the things floating around in my head makes me feel like a failure which causes a shame spiral. It's a pattern.
So she asked that I write everything floating around in my mind down onto a sheet of paper.
It's important to tell you that her previous lesson was to teach me how to differentiate between the two types of problems. Temporary and Permanent. Sounds simplistic and like duh, who doesn't know that?! She says Temporary problems are things you can change in the snap of a finger. Permanent problems are things you are going to have to learn to work with. I mean most of us know this at a core level but it didn't stop me from letting both of those types of problems swirl around my head at their leisure.
I listed all the things floating around in my head that day. Most of them, the big ones at least are permanent problems. Things I can do nothing about. My sister and her horrible husband for example. I can't make them be decent people. I can only handle my own self.
The fact is that I can't make them stop mooching off my dad, using him, hurting him. I can only control me. I just can't sit by and watch it anymore. It's killing me. I effing hate them both, him more so and having to work with him--which is kind of a joke because he's taken 65 sick days in 10 months--is absolutely killing me and I just decided in a snap. I can't control my dad and make him fire the jackass, I can't force the jackass to stop sucking my entire family down the drain with him. I can just not allow him to have any countenance over my life.
Just differentiating between the two types of problems cleared up so many of the things clogging up my mind. I can't control my alcoholic ex and the damage he did to the relationships in my life. I've done everything I can to mend those and it's no longer up to me. I can't control my dad's health, my dad's business or estate or sister or current boyfriend or exhusband or the people I work with...I could go on and on and on.
The rest of the problems all boiled down to just a handful of things. So I took out a highlighter, like she told me to do and I highlighted just three of them. She told me to pick three of the things weighing on me and change them and guess who broke through that very day? Me.
The thing is that she said if you are scared of something you just hvae to visualize yourself on the other side of it. If you're afraid of elevators, before you get on the elevator, you picture yourself getting off the elevator safe and sound. So I've been doing that and I think I actually am starting to believe it.
I thought I couldn't do it alone, the real estate. I'm seeing that my exhusband who I worked with before, really didn't do a lot of the process. He definitely didn't bring in the clients. I did that. Maybe he showed the houses but to be honest, he's covered in tattoos, greasy, has foul hygiene and still he managed to sell. I don't have any of those things going on for me plus I like showing property and despite my gloomy, doomy blog I am a people person at the end of the day.
I do still have issues. Lots and lots of them. I isolate myself from people. I run away and hide. I might always struggle with this but I'm trying to go into this new phase of my life using her trick. I'm visualizing this being the change that I've been needing. The chance to meet new people, make new friends and renew my belief in myself that I won't screw it up.
Back to that list. The three things I highlighted were this: quit being scared of no longer having dental insurance and what it's going to cost to get your daughter's two small cavities filled and just make it happen. I did.
Fill out and pay for the TREC application to start your new life. I did.
Return the giant pile of ill-fitting or broken things from amazon that I've been hoarding for the last month to finance the previous two things. I did.
Still working on the rest of the list but with a determination and vigor I haven't seen in myself ever.
Do you know that I just rechecked this list that I made first thing Monday morning of the stressy things on my mind and can you believe that of the 32 things I wrote down I've already either changed or taken a few steps towards changing 24 of them. Seriously.
Try that brain dump. It totally helped relieve my congested life.
I totally recommend reading Mel Robbin's Five second rule by the way if you're looking to make your life awesome. The things I talked about aren't from her book but her premise in the five second rule, her enthusiasm and personality drive home something we all need to foster in ourselves...confidence.