I am terrible at dating. I swear. It's just that when I know what I want, I know what I want and I don't hold back and then I get all nervous when the other person doesn't immediately return my implied not spoken feelings, and that's a huge overestimation for someone that dates men.
I have got to play it cool or I'm going to completely screw it up. Luckily, I haven't done anything to screw it up yet. He's still very interested in me I hope. He's not done a single thing to give me any inclination that he's not interested at all and if I think he has it's because I've cobbled shit together in my head. He's completely wonderful, so cute and incredibly nice. He's been enthusiastic about talking and planning stuff with me and being all about making sure I am so happy.
I promised to tell him if I heard from the alcoholic. I did last night and honestly I don't want to tell him. I feel like the alcoholic is seeping into my chance to be happy and I don't even like mentioning them in the same sentence, they're like different species seriously. I mean, it wasn't like he came there or I talked to him in any way. It was this old eharmony account I forgot I had from 2015. I don't even know how it's possible to find a person that's been inactive on there for 2 years but he did. I don't pay for that site so if he had sent me messages before I wouldn't have been able to see them, but the email last night said I had a message from him, his name, his town, his age, his height and I clicked on it. It was some sort of free communication special they had going on where you could see messages. It was bad. There were like ten messages. Mainly from around the 15th but one from yesterday that just said 'What do you want from me'.
I have done so much to rid my life of him. I have an opportunity to be with someone I am almost positive I am really well matched to. I am happier. I laugh. I have rediscovered my friends. I am probably at least on the way to being in the best shape of my life. I haven't called, emailed, stalked, seen nor tried to communicate with him in any way. I am really, really completely over him. Turns out that leaving me constantly and hurting me every chance he got for 3 and a half years made him pretty easy to get over.
You know I saw some meme a really long time ago and it was about the timeline of a break up for men versus women. It showed a woman a week into a break up and a man a week into a break up, the woman has mascara streaming down her face and she's eating ice cream from the container. The man is at a bar with 4 women all over him laughing and smiling. Then it shows them both a month into a break up, the woman looks super hot and happy and the man is on the couch, filthy, unshaven, depressed and trying to text her. So exactly the truth.
I was the best thing that ever happened to him (his words, not mine, well his and anyone who knew us both). He was the worst thing that ever happened to me. For real.
He is not going to ruin my brand new chance.
I ended the account. I stopped the source. There's no way-- I hope--for him to get in touch with me now. I don't think that it will happen again. He will move on eventually despite him saying that there's no way he can see me with anyone else and that he's obsessed with me. He can get right on over it.
I think it's bothering me because right now I want the new guy to feel that way about me and he doesn't yet or at least he hasn't said flat out that he does. He says things that knock the breath out of me. Like I texted him yesterday and said something arbitrary and then apologized for distracting him from work and he said this verbatim: I love your distraction, you distract me anytime you want.
Like I said, be cool. I will be cool. I've been cool so far. I can continue to be cool. I will not plan our wedding in my mind. I will not picture how it will be when we are on vacation with our family, I won't even text him until he texts me first. I'm so very bad at rules.
I will however ask him lots of questions next time I get the chance.
I want to know: Did he buy a house in in the same town as his kids when he moved out of his old house? Does he get along with his ex? Is he seeing other people? What does he see his future looking like? Where is he at in his mind when he gets quiet and doesn't talk?
Whoa. Too far. Tooooo far.
I will ask about his house and if that goes well, I'll ask about his ex and then I will shut my pie hole. Shut the hell out of my pie hole as a matter of fact. Blowing this chance with him will be something I regret. Just be there, as aloof as I can until he decides if I'm what he wants and if he does that, if he declares it to me...then I will love the hell out of him for the rest of our lives. Btw my version of aloof is barely less than complete and utter adoration so don't worry he doesn't know how I feel. I tell him all the time how wonderful he is and how happy I am, this maybe should also slow up.
I told a really great friend at bootcamp last night that we had a date to go out and she was so cute about it. She said, oh my goodness you guys are totally perfect for each other, I don't think I know two nicer people. I told her I was nervous and she said just to look at it as a really chill catch up. Such a great way to look at it.
God i'm hopeless. Not at all good at dating.
The thing is that I know myself I won't stay like this forever, he takes his time--because he's sane--and this is where it fell apart last time. I am impatient and I fell in love with him last time like the third time we went anywhere. It was at this bar and he was holding me and talking to this woman about how much he adored me and god it was just completely sealed for me right that minute. I just decided that i loved him right in that second so I turned around and I kissed him and it was the best thing that I can remember. I didn't even say anything and later that night his cell phone was going off all night and I ended it with him the next day. I just told him that I felt like a booty call and one of a few for him and I couldn't feel that way about myself right then. It was nice, it was an actual conversation not like a text dump or anything. He said he didn't agree, that he was really shocked and that he would always be there. It was a really not great time for either of us timing wise so he forgives me, I think, at least he says he does. What the real reason for my ending it was is that my feelings for him scared the hell out of me. He's totally right to take time to get it right. This is exactly why I'm blogging. Crazy stays here. Crazy doesn't go there. He didn't immediately read my mind and verbally beat me to the punch and I pushed him away because of it.
So do I tell him what really happened last time? Do I shut my pie hole? I already know the answer, I shut my pie hole it's been a couple of damn days not months, not weeks, days! Seriously. We deserve a chance to go out and catch up and have fun together and be silly without my debbie downer bull. Then slowly release the crazy lol, or better yet blog away the crazy and give him the very best of me.
Please dear God, let him love me because the last few days of talking and seeing him have been so wonderful. Let him be the one that is mine for the rest of our lives. I promise I will live to make it as wonderful as it can be every single day. I will be so proud to be in his arms wherever, whenever, whoever we are with. When you know, you'll know and I know. If i'm not the one for him, I'm going to be ok, I will still be there as his friend which is still better than not having him.
Hows that for a different Juls? From sobbing sad mess living in the past victim style to this. You wouldn't recognize me physically either, I've dropped more weight and I smile all the time. I'm so happy, and I'm nicer to people and it's so funny when you reach out and are nice to people how much things change so quickly. I've got four cool things on the books too, just in the last few days: a margarita catch up with a girlfriend I haven't seen in 2 years, a hot date at the oyster bar that I'm obsessed with--with the hottest guy and his super sexy brand new muscle car, wine with my neighbor and a brand new gym with a really sweet friend of mine that wants to work out with me. Booyah. Every single thing I asked for just landed in my lap and I'm so happy. This is what happy feels like, I don't know that I've ever had it be quite this good so even if it seems like I'm careening for a cliff I'm taking every single second of it and relishing it.
It has everything to do with the fact that I'm not being criticized every single day, attacked all the time, it's because I was reminded that there are people out there that are fun and happy and silly and want to spend time with me, people that want to spend time with me because I am fun to be around. That's such a wonderful realization. Screw anyone that ever tries to take that away from me again.
Honestly thoughts, this may be just a fluke but I'm really trying to be objective when it comes to him so I don't break my own heart. I know I'm still fragile, I know I'm probably way too big a mess to be getting into this right now but the chance presented itself and I decided I was going to grab it. I'm trying to read his signals, putting way too much emphasis on what he says and does but not letting on that I'm doing this and really so far it's been really positive. Just in the texts today he's said these things about me: I'm precious, I am so damn cute, and he loves my motivation. I mean that's a fairly decent sign I think.
Also last night he asked if I'd heard from the alcoholic, he said if I did I was to tell him immediately and he would love make sure the douchebag regretted every single thing he ever did to upset me. He said he's sat back and watched this shit show for way too long to see me unhappy for one more second.
God help me that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The thing about it is that it's easy, and comfortable and fun. My relationship with anyone I've ever been involved with has never been this easy. We just talk for hours about everything and laugh and it's just the beginning, nothings even happened yet but it's easy, he says it's comfortable. I hope that's a good thing.