Oh thoughts there is so much to catch up on well not really so much as I am practically a recluse-- but a lot for me. Realizations everywhere.
Firstly, I joined the extreme boot camp challenge, it's extra workouts, on top of the already grueling workouts. I'm going for revenge body here. Actually, I just want to be able to take the kids to the beach and not wear a floor length cover up and also I do not want any of my ex's thinking that I care enough about them to nearly kill myself to get a great body. I'm not doing it for anyone but me.
It also entails a pretty strict diet. It's one the trainer designed full of protein and veggies. I did not see butter, bread or chocolate on the shopping list last night--which is devastating.
It lasts three weeks and I watched as the group did it last session and the results were really incredible. I'm hoping I will be able to get through.
I am starting to notice more of a change in my own body. For example, I bought this pair of jeans a couple of months ago. Of course I didn't try them on in the store because...pssssht that's for amateurs. Well, needless to say when I got home I couldn't even get them up over my hips so I slung them on top of the dresser in my closet and that's where they've sat until today--when I was running late--I am happy to report that not only did they go over my hips but they also zipped up with relative ease and are almost comfortable.
I'm feeling sicky poo today and I have the workout so I'm praying that I have the energy to get through the day.
Also, I discovered the HBO series Girls for the first time this weekend. I love it so much. I mean it's so real. I wish I had friends like that. I could if I tried. I should try.
The depressing part, is that while I am a pro-woman, you go girl type of woman...Lena Dunham looks so big on that show. Don't get me wrong I'm happy to see a woman on television that isn't stick skinny and sickly looking in real life but I was just taken aback with how comfortable she is with her own body....and also do women in New York not wear bras at all?
So I made the mistake of googling her just for funsies to see what size she is. She's an inch taller than me and 10 pounds lighter. I shit you not.
I don't consider myself fat. Obviously she doesn't either but I realized that I can't see the issue. I don't see a chunky person in the mirror but chunky I am if I'm judging her for being chunky. I think I carry the weight differently than she does, I have a bigger chest and a way smaller (I HOPE) backside but it really shocked me that she's taller and weighs less. I know I have back fat. I know this. I know I have tummy fat and upper thigh fat but I don't see anything close to the way she looks when I look in the mirror...and that's sad that I feel this way. I think I carry a bunch more muscle and I know I don't have cellulite because I'm like a cellulite nazi.
I should be saying she looks great, because she does. I should say that I'm proud of her for putting herself out there naysayers be damned. It's just that it was the first time I've ever seen a woman on screen that looked like her and wasn't ashamed of it. I mean she wears crop tops...with her belly hanging out.
So that was a depressing realization.
Then I received an email from eharmony. I have a very old account that I'd forgotten about. There was a message from a man with the same name as my alcholic ex, the same age as my alcholic ex and from the same place my alcholic ex. I don't know what the message said because you have to pay to be a member to be able to read messages but I know it was him trying to make me feel like shit. I mean I've blocked him from my phone, facebook, email, work email, called the police to make sure he doesn't come to my house and still he finds a way to fuck with me. As he doesn't apologize ever, I'm sure it was more insults. He doesn't even have to actually insult me anymore to get the job done, just the thought of him makes me insult myself wondering which insult he was going to fling.
To top it off when I was at the grocery store, the teacher I have a crush on (six years younger than I am and super hot) was there with his girlfriend. I mean I wasn't going to date him but I was using him as a goal to get to my revenge body. That will never happen now. Not that it ever would've before.
Back to eharmony. I considered it for a few minutes. Ok, a few minutes each time I thought about it which was about 20. This is the conclusion I came to: I am no where near ready to start texting guys pics. That's like the very first thing that they ask you to do, send a pic. I'd have to pull out the fat lip pic. Seriously that is the last picture I took of myself and honestly I was impressed with it. That's how sad the situation is.
I had that hamburger meat facial on Friday to start with. So yes, when I ran into my crush and his beautiful girlfriend at the grocery store yesterday my face looked like it had been run over with a shredder.
My face looked scary all weekend. Today it's not as purple but it still looks pixelated and some of those pixels are still black. I have bootcamp today. I have been avoiding people, wearing a hat and glasses if I couldn't avoid people all weekend. Today's the first day I will have to look people in the face and talk to them. I will be fine and my skin will look awesome in a few days but right now it's still a bit freaky.
And my final realization: I hate my life. I mean hate. I hate the farmhouse almost as much as I hate the job. Other than loving my kids this is where I'm at. Unhappiness. Turns out the alcholic was like the static you hear when you're trying to tune into a radio station. You hear the static and you work so hard on getting that static to go away that once you get the radio station to come in clearly you realize 'I hate tejano'. That's how I feel. I've worked so hard to get rid of that static and I can't stand this radio station. At least the static is gone and maybe now I can focus on setting some goals for myself and getting onto a happier station.
Watching that show made me so jealous. I can't believe that people make money writing. I would give anything to be able to make money at it. I just don't know how. I wish I did. I don't know anyone else that even says they're a writer. Also, I'm lonely but I'm stuck in this 'I'm not ready to date' mindset. Even if I was ready to date I feel like I'm being stalked by a mountain lion. I feel like he's just toying with me and he could end me anytime he wants. He does nothing but watch Dateline and Forensic shit, I mean he probably knows every way to kill someone and the fact that I can't even put myself out there on a dating site without being harrassed by him is just sad.
He's sick. I'm sicker for caring.
I wish I could end on a good note, I just don't have much good to say today.
I am on my way to a better body. I'm not hating that journey. Maybe that will lend itself to other changes. That's something to look forward to. I would love it if the universe would open to my being able to make money with my writing. I'd so love that. You don't understand how much I search for what i want to read and see and it just doesn't exist. I loved that line in Girls where she talks about finding the me shaped hole in the future.
Basically all the paths out of singlehood are blocked. I can't call an ex to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok because that will just end with me being unhappily tied to someone that it already didn't work out with. I can't online date yet. I don't have friends to go out with so meeting someone out is impossible. Blocked in most every way.
I was thinking of compiling a single girlfriend going out night. I only have two, and they are not friends so yes...yes, it would be strange but if I'm feeling this way they probably are too right?