Mortifications

Well thoughts, the cold of 2017 seems to be defying all the tricks.  I've tried an orange juice blast, mucinex, sweating it out, all sorts of medicines lying around, and sleep and still yet here we are. Achy, sniffly, wheezy, congested and extremely tired.  Yet, I will still be going to bootcamp tonight because I've been told unless I am puking, fainting or dead I need to be there.  That's not unique to my trainer, that I believe is Jillian Micheals mantra but all trainers seem to have this same type of meanness.

The food thing is just not something I can handle today.  I mean I just got my first protein bar down and I should've already had 3 egg whites, 1 cup of oatmeal and 1 cup of strawberries in addition. There's just not any way I can hold that stuff down right now.  

I did something so....well I don't know exactly how to describe it so I'll just be out with it.  I unleashed the boyfriend drama at bootcamp last night.  

The thing about not having a partner is that there is no one around to vet the crazy.  Part of me wants to end it all because I'm so stupid for bringing it up, the other part of me thinks that I'm being a drama queen and I need to just own it.  Either way I wish I hadn't.  I wish I hadn't at all.  

Here's how it started:  There is a woman in my class that I graduated high school with, several actually, but this one and I were close.  To this day she is a dear friend.  Married with grown children and not at all in the same situation I'm in but I love her dearly.  I asked about a mutual friend last night, a girl friend of both of ours since high school.  I asked about her still being single, to which I was informed that indeed she is still single.  My friend there at class said with a cautious tone 'Yes, she's single but...'  I knew what she was going to say--after all this has been my friend since we were kids too.  I didn't even wait for her to finish her sentence before I interjected. I said I know, I dated a red head for the last almost 4 years.  I don't mean this to offend red heads, it's just that the handful I know are more sensitive to most things and that sensitivity leads to hot headedness and facebook rants in the case of my red heads.  

I interjected I know all about dealing with red heads but i neeeeeeed single friends.  To which her eyes opened widely and she reminded me that another dear friend of ours is also currently single. 

It brought up something, something she said, something I already knew but up until this point has gone unsaid.  I guess I needed to hear it said so much because it assuaged my resolve temporarily.  I didn't even know how much I needed that until it was said. 

She said "Oh, thank God Juls.  We hated him so much and none of us wanted to tell hurt you by saying something but also we just couldn't be around him'. She told me about some door slamming situation, I was a bit in shock so I couldn't tell you exactly what it was that she said.  Honestly, it didn't matter.  I saw him with my own two eyes threaten my sister and brother in law and dad and oh by the way ME.  

A few minutes ago this client/friend/family came in and showed me on Facebook where he's hitting up some blonde chick.  I'm not going to lie, it hurt.  Like it took the breath away from me.  Ugh, I hate that I even have to think about this right now.  I'm in such a dangerous place.  He says mean things on there as well about how he should've left a long time ago.  I left him.  I ended it with him, not that it matters but he's trying to make me seem like the problem.  Trying to make himself feel better.  Anyone that knows us both, knows that I was great for him.  He however is not good nor will he ever be good for me. I guess that I just thought he's the fall back in case I have to spend the rest of my life alone in my mind. 

Which is sick.

What we have here is a complete collapse of my own hotness.  I am recovering from the hamburger meat facial.  I gained weight with the stress of the last year.  I am tired and currently sick.  I just don't have any confidence.  

I was on Facebook a few days ago and I noticed how many single women are out there.  Like all of them are single and better looking and younger and they all have gorgeous facebook pics.  I feel like I don't stand a chance in hell of finding anyone to be with.  I feel like I'll be alone forever and I'm terrified.  

I didn't need to see his facebook bullshit.  I really didn't.  

I don't know what exactly I need to do and that in and of itself is scary.  

I need to be held.  Seriously I feel like i'm going to break apart into a million bits and I would give anything to have a pair of arms around me.  Real life, warm, strong arms to hold me super tight and tell me everything is going to be ok. 

This is when he usually comes back into my life.  Even though I have all these reasons why he shouldn't or couldn't, I am lonely and it's scary to be lonely and right now ANY pair of arms would help barring those of someone I'm related to.  I just want to be held and told that everything is going to be ok.  That should be a paid service.  I would pay for that.   

So how I am going to make this different this time.  

I really don't know.  I am full on freaking out right this second.  I would give anything to call my this other really nice ex and beg him to come hold me but A.  I'm sure that he's got lots of better looking women hitting on him on Facebook too.  2.  My house is filthy.  Subconsciously I knew I'd be here I'm sure and consequentally I've let my house go to pot.  3.  That would send a message to him which is that I fucked up letting him go and I want everything to go right back to where it was when we left off.  While he was sweet, he was also suffocating.  

I can't start thinking this way.  Confidence is the only key to getting out of this hell hole I've gotten myself into.  

I am not that unfortunate looking.  Yes, I've gotten lazy.  Sure, I have completely denied myself any type of fun and the thought of the upcoming weekend makes me want to puke.  I know I need to spend it scrubbing the house and getting it clean or working on projects that I want completed before I'll let myself date again but the thought of being alone alone for a full weekend is completely terrifying.

I really don't know what to do but i've got to find something to do soon before I lose it.  

I have actual work to do.  I'm dreading it.  All I want to do is curl up in my bed right now and that's not going to help anyone.  

I will go to the workout tonight although I don't feel up to it.  My nose is congested, my throat is on fire, my whole head is just jumbled up and the last thing I feel like doing is running whilst someone screams at me.  

Oh thoughts, I wish that you could tell me that I'm going to be ok, and that I will find love again, wrap your arms around me and squeeze the sad right out of me.  

The thing I need to wrap my brain around is that what I want is not even possible.  

There isn't anyone I'd believe anyway when they said everything would be ok. 

Even if I got the ex in question to come over tonight and wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok I wouldn't believe him.  I would doubt him.  I would question him and I would definitely regret calling him because he'd be his sweet comforting self and I would be my sick twisted broken self and I'd see his comfort as suffocating and I'd screw it up.  

I don't know if the answer is to confront all the things that are making me feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm going to give that a try.

I live in the middle of nowhere really close to the border, I'm educated and white and while not technically a minority, I am a minority here and my grandparents were adamant that our cultures are too different to mix well so the majority of what few single men there might be aren't eligible to me for that reason--which I know is stupid but is at this point ingrained and semi true.  I mean I'm not racist at all.  I look like the race in question.  Frequently people think I'm Mexican.  It's just the way Mexican boys are raised here is ridiculous.  Yes, I know it's not all the Mexican boys, but seriously Mexican boys are waited on hand and foot by their mothers and it's just ok for Mexican men to cheat here. That's just part of the way things go and always have gone.  It's just like a known thing.  

I am not ok with being cheated on and I work so waiting on another person hand and foot is just not something I'm going to be willing to do.  Also, most of the people that have stuck around here have never left.  Not even to go to college.  The alcholic didn't go to college and we just clashed on so many things.  Like he's a staunch republican redneck and couldn't be open minded if his life depended on it and I just don't stomach ignorance well.  So we clashed on lots of things.  That's pretty much how it goes with most of the eligible guys around here.  

It's not like I could date someone who didn't live here either. I have kids in school here and they're adamant about staying here.  

It just seems so impossible like even if I could find a nice not cheating or male supremacist educated man around here he'd have to be able to look past my disgusting 140 year old farmhouse that needs so much work and the fact that I'm old and falling apart.  

I'm scared.  Alone is scary for regular people, I am already not a regular person, I already have social anxiety and then this on top of that is just a recipe for a nightmare.  How did I ever date before? 

It just happened.  

I need to take a deep breath.  I need to remember that I can get back to looking good again.  I need to remind myself that I don't need a fallback guy because fall back guys are the reason I'm here now.  I held onto fall back guys until I absolutely had to let go and now I'm in a world of hurt because of it.  

I should've been brave to start with.  

My conclusion:  It was BRAVE of me to ask for help finding single friends last night.  I am no different from any other person and I'm completely capable of figuring out what I'm going to do without someone else shaping that decision. I am not a spinster.  I will find someone wonderful when I'm ready.  Ready doesn't mean the house is perfect.  Ready means that my mind isn't on someone else and defeat.  Ready means that my head and my heart are happy again and open to love.  I can get there.  I can ask for help getting there if I need to.  There are people that love me.  They've just been pushed hard into the woodwork.  For three years I've not given a shit what any of them think or feel.  I've dated someone toxic to not only me but to my friends and family.  It is completely ok that I need time to heal and restore my faith in the goodness of people again after being with someone so cruel.  

Right now I miss my mommy because I'm sick, I'm tired because I'm sick and I need to take care of me.  That's all I need to focus on.  Not men, not alcholic assholes trying to lure women into their trap, not even friends and partying or whatever else.  I need to focus on getting healthy again, getting my shit together and taking care of my kids.  Then as soon as I feel better, focus on reworking and reaching out to my friends, and then as my face relearns how to smile again, then I bet I won't even have to worry about where to find him because he'll just show up because when I'm happy I'm gorgeous.  It's ok that i've forgotten because let me tell you I can not remember the last time I was happy for more than a few minutes. 

Here's to me!

xoxo, 

Juls

 

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