Today I prayed on the way to work. That my heart be open to inspiration and love.
Then I heard this song on the radio...as if I it was from God's own lips. I have heard this song so many times before but thought it unremarkable. Today however, it stuck out and breached my wall of consciousness.
Specifically the part where it says: You talk far too much for someone so unkind, I will wipe the salt off of my skin and I'll admit that I got it wrong.
Then then this part came on and I was floored, the answer to what I should be doing right now was right there in plain english coming to me with a peppy beat: I know I need to feel released.
Amen Chvrches. Lesson received.
I know I need to feel released. I need to take time to feel RELEASED.
That's the hardest part. I'm free but I don't feel free. I'm still thinking of things in terms of 'us' and 'we' and that's not what reality is. Reality is that it's all about ME right now.
ME needs some attention. ME has been hurt. ME should be thrilled to have this time to center myself. Relationships are about bending and the fact is that I'm so bent I can hardly right myself but that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to get right if it's the last thing I do.
In my mind I'm in the mire all alone. The house is a nightmare, doing everything alone is freaking me out. The anxiety has a death grip on me and I just don't really know what to do about it. I am taking my Xanax as directed but it's effectiveness is waning and I feel it so much more than I ever remember needing it. I did talk to the Dr. about this. He said to keep up with the work outs. That it takes 8 weeks for me to even start feeling full benefit of working out regularly. Week 8 is this week. It's hard to tell because of the not flu. My shoulders are still super tense though and that's usually where I hold my anxiety so I know that it's still an issue. I will be doing some expounding on coping skills for anxiety today.
I went to bootcamp last night. I didn't feel like going but I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror yesterday afternoon and I realized that I'm starting to look so different. I've been skinny before. This is a type of skinny but it's so much more than that it's shaped and toned and skinny.
I have abs. Sure they're covered up by pudge right now but it is definitely working. I think my stomach is flatter now than it ever has been since I've had kids. This is going to be the kind of skinny that looks great naked. The skinny before was loose.
My legs are out of this world right now. They always are the highlight of my body but now they are so toned. There is only a bit of pudge around the top of my thigh and that's even diminishing daily.
Week eight of working out and just like all the pinterest motivational memes tell you...other people can see the difference now.
That motivated me to suck it up and go to bootcamp last night. I'm not feeling great, I'm not calling it the flu but it's definitely flu like. A cold front rolled in just after work and by the time I got to the park to work out it was raining and cold. We ran in the rain. It wasn't bad at the time but this morning I feel like it was a stupid move.
My eyes are itchy and running so is my nose and I've got a raging headache. I'm cold and then hot and then cold again, achy all over but you know what I'm up and going. I wouldn't have been up and going without the work out.
I am going for a revenge body. I have joked about it before but it's true. Sure I stole it from Khloe Kardashian--but it's so what's actually going on. I am not doing it so that he notices I'm doing it to prove to myself that I may be down but I am not out. I will survive, I will get better than I ever have been because I have the capability to RISE above this set back. Also, hell yes I want to meet a hot guy and have him hold me and love me like crazy and I want to be able to be fearless especially about my body.
This is a gift for future me. Near future me.
So today I'm taking it easy, i'm not going to stress. Yes, I need friends, sure I need to work on figuring out how I'm going to put myself back out there. Yes, it bothers me that he is already probably banging some blonde girl but he is her problem now. He was a terrible person to me and I should feel released.
Also, I need to quit considering calling another ex. He is not the answer. He would be easy and comfortable. He wouldn't challenge me at all. I did hurt him, I know this because he told me so and any interest on his part would be so that he could punish me and that's just the last thing I need right now. After all there are so many other options out there that are fresh, options that I wouldn't be starting off on a deficit with. I'm sure his family hates me for hurting him. I hate myself for hurting him. I don't need to be feeling this way right now. Maybe I need to apologize but it can't be right now, opening a dialogue with him now would cause possibly irreparable damage it could send me right over the edge and that's just something I can't do. He needs to not be a thought that crosses my mind right now. I am a hot mess and I need to find my own peace and serenity before a man.
I'll admit that I got it wrong.
So today is all about feeling released. Released from the obsession and sensations of being humilated and abused. Released from the constraints of a monster. Released from this flu type situation I hope and released from the pressure and stress I put on myself because I gave it to God and asked that he bless me with his inspiration and guidance so I don't feel alone in making decisions which is the biggest stress in my life.
I know everything will be so much better because I went through this and stayed strong. My standing here and facing the feelings is such a triumph because despite my self consciousness it would be so easy to call a man in and drown my sorrows in a new, hot, all consuming relationship. That would be putting a band aid on a broken leg. That would be cheating me out of finding a man that is appropriate because I was too weak to feel my feelings and I grabbed onto the first guy that showed me any interest despite my actual feelings toward him.
This isn't me breaking down, this is me regrouping.
Updates on my list:
My body: Looking better but I still have a little way to go, still working on my stomach, back, upper arms and upper thighs but it's not that far away and I've got so much more stamina now, so I'll keep at it. I am still so white, soooo white. I won't tan and I am a firm believer in sunscreen so there's that. The thing is that right now I don't want to date and getting a spray tan is sort of pointless since there's nothing on the horizon. When I care about this, I'll handle it until then it's just a ridiculous worry that I need to let go of. Everyone's white--it's winter.
My teeth: For a second time that smile club situation didn't work out. I waited too long to do the impression after mixing the clays. I need to call them today. For some reason the thought of doing this makes my stomach hurt. I think it's anxiety for some reason, work is also doing this to me. It's like a sharpish and yet dull aching pain that comes in a strong wave as soon as I think of random things. Not everything does this, like picking up my kids doesn't make that happen but there is this man I need to call for work. Nicest guy on the planet, and for some reason the thought of talking to him is making my stomach ache. It's gotta be anxiety.
My hair: I'm waiting to get it done as a reward. Probably next Friday after seeing what my weigh in is.
My house: Not a damn thing. I am struggling to keep it clean and keep the laundry done but tonight I'm going to have a coming to Jesus with it I hope.
Friends: I love going to the bootcamp and talking with the girls. Also, I've broken through the hating of Facebook and gotten back involved. I haven't Facebook stalked any ex and I don't plan on it anytime soon.
My face: Still recovering from the hamburger meat facial, it's still pixelated and peely but coming along. I don't look heinous in make up and I only know that because I slapped a layer on my face last night, I haven't done that today because there's just no point, I've already gone through half a roll of TP blowing my nose and wiping my eyes. Two benadryl in and I'm still an oozing mess. I got new make up so there's that and I'm going to Botox the hell out of my face as a reward when I get to where I want to be with my body.
Job: I am feeling such unhappiness that I worry I might just stand up and walk out. I would've if I didn't have kids. I prayed this morning for inspiration and guidance for this. It's so bad that the prospect of doing my job makes my stomach hurt. I will continue to pray for an open heart and mind so that I can hear God's will for me.
Fun: There's nothing on the horizon, that has to change. I need something to push myself for.
Depression: I need to make a concentrated effort to make sure that those pills get taken every single day. I feel it creeping up around the edges and I just can't go through it right now. Blogging is helping. I really love blogging because it's an archive of my feelings and I get to look back and SEE the progress. Feelings I don't display for ANYONE in real life. I feel like there aren't as many revelations anymore, that there isn't a bottled up bottomless pit of feelings inside of me like there used to be but at the same time the breakthroughs aren't coming as often anymore or maybe it's that they're coming more often and so they're less shocking. I feel like I'm getting closer to centered. I am now able to catch myself mid freak out and interject reality into the crazy. I still hear myself saying the 'you're so stupid you should kill yourself' but whenever it happens now I just say out loud STOP IT and it stops for a while. It's not someone else's voice, it's mine. It's not some sort of psychosis I don't think, I believe it's just negative self talk that's been allowed to run rampant because until recently I've been too embarrassed to even admit to it. Talking about it here has diffused it's control a bit but exploring it is definitely a priority. I have just discovered a few things that might help me with this specifically. I read somewhere that this is changeable by poking holes in the logic, reasoning with myself and proving that I am indeed not stupid and as I have kids and family that love me I do not deserve to die. Talking back to it just like I say stop it now, but reasoning with it and actually telling it the reasons that I am not stupid and that I should not kill myself. Also it says somewhere that often times the brain is like a courtroom. Right now there's a prosecutor reaming me regularly condemning me for every little thing I do that isn't completely perfect and it's condemning me to death and I have no defense attorney. I deserve defense. I don't have to lie down to the attack. All the websites and doctors I googled about this issue say that overcoming it's is something that just takes practice. Shutting down negative self talk is something that takes a muscle that needs exercise to be effective. Setting my intention on confronting this negative self talk every time I encounter it consciously today.
Things could be so much worse.
I have coping skills to get through this. My coping skill right now is that I can write it all away. Every cob webbed bit of the crazy can be swept right out of my mind onto this page and it won't hurt anyone or me anymore once I get it all out.
Updates to my previously posted list:
My list: In general right now I'm going to ease up on myself. I tend to get hypermotivated after stressful situations and then that couples with the depression that follows the stressful event to make me feel overwhelmed and a failure because I haven't utilized every second of my time to fulfilling the list. Honestly, this is what I think the list ought to look like right now:
To do: Heal.
I'm grateful for the ability to do the work I need to do here. I'm grateful for clarity blogging has given me. I am so grateful for my kids, they are so sweet and decent. I am so grateful for my dad and sister and brother in law and their kids and my aunt and my trainer and the friends I forgot and having a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills right now and especially the freedom I haven't yet realized I have.
Thank you God for all the good you do in my life regularly, I'm sorry for being a spoiled, selfish, narcississtic brat but thank you for Thoughts where I can unload my burdened mind without fear.
Thank you God and Chvrches for the inspiration today. Thank you for the release.