Sanity at last.

I survived the weekend.  Barely but I survived.  

The 'not flu' was terrible.  Severe cold, fever and stomach bug simultaneously.   It's so funny that I attempted to make plans for the weekend because not a single thing got done but I'm well so there's that.  Oh yeah and I lost 7 pounds! 

I weighed in for my trainer on Friday morning and as it was the first time I'd weighed in as long as I can remember I was devastated to find that I was about 30 pounds over my goal weight. Devastated. 

I mean I'm not stupid, I can see in the mirror that I'm not perfect but I guess I'd just stopped seeing the horribleness.  My Aunt reminds me that some people would love to just have 30 pounds to lose.  Perspective. 

Now it's 24 pounds, or it was as of yesterday morning.  I also went and worked out last night.  It was the first time I'd worked out since getting sick and while I was weak I did manage to kick ass at the workout and even walk an additional mile after class.  

I've started taking a probiotic as well as a multi-vitamin in the midst of all this as well, so if nothing else good came from it there's that.  My trainer suggested this a while ago and I should have done it sooner.  The probiotic specifically because it seems to have reduced the size of my belly area significantly.  

I had a few realizations over the fever addled weekend. 

Firstly, Friday my ex came to get the kids for his weekend.  His car brokedown as he was trying to leave, none of my doing I promise--I could barely get out of bed.  The selfish and great part of this is that I got to snuggle with my 14 year old daughter and watch the Village.  We are watching M. Night Shymalan movies, or the ones rated appropriately for a 14 year old at least, and that hour and a half that I got to snuggle with my baby while I was feeling terrible was a huge boost.  I'd already been sick for a couple of days at that point.  Realization one:  I need more snuggling.  

Then the ex that I repeatedly lament about how I hurt and miss, he texted me out of nowhere.  He texted me to let me know that there was a creepy guy broken down in my yard.  I texted him back to let him know it was my exhusband and that I totally agreed he is creepy, I asked how he was.  He texted me back telling me work was great, asked how I was.  I told him, thanked him for checking in on me and told him it was really nice to hear from him.  That's it.  I promise.  At least that's all anyone outside of my own demented brain would've witnessed. 

In my demented brain this is what happened:  I planned my apology and imagined holding him, and our new life together, and where we'd live and what we'd do with the rest of our lives and on and on. I was checking Facebook a few hours later and a mutual friend of ours posted a photo from his house. I was heart broken, for just a few minutes but heartbroken nonetheless because in my mind they were together and he should be mine and on and on and on.     

The funny thing is that when I was day dreaming about how great it would be to get back together with him, there was this point where I actually thought it might happen and then I remembered how clingy he was, and how much he likes to drink and that when he drinks he cries and gets super emotional and when he isn't drinking he is very stingy with my time to the point where again I'd be giving up my life and I got all panicky.  

Then it hit me.  I don't actually want another man right now.  

An almost four year relationship just ended for me.  Just a couple of weeks ago.  A person that was in my life every day is gone.  I am insecure, I feel unloveable, I am hurting, I am freaking out.  I am in pain and this is ok.  This is part of the grieving process.    

I am trying to grab onto anything that will end this pain and fear, it's a part of the grieving process called bargaining.  

It will pass, it passed through all of the other things I've grieved the last few years.  This relationship should have gone a long time ago, I just wasn't strong enough from all the other loss to stand up for myself and get on with it.   

Now, I am strong enough.  

Then yesterday morning as soon as i got to work the phone rang.  It was this client that goes to church with my family.  The last time the alcholic and I broke up, this guy had just started texting me.  Nothing sorted but he was going through a divorce I think and it was getting strange and I backed off pretty hard because I wasn't ready and all of the sudden yesterday there he was on the other end of the phone talking to me.  I told him that I could handle the situation he needed handled on the phone, he insisted on coming in.  I don't think that he came in for me, I think he just came in to get the issue handled.  I think this because I will not be going back to the exboyfriend trainwreck situation I put myself through this weekend.  I don't know this guy's situation, I hope for his sake that he's reconciled with his wife.  I hope he's sublimely happy in whatever situation he's in but what he represented to me was this.  I had just spent a lonely, sick weekend.  I broke my own heart.  That very morning I was dreading work until I got in my car to take the kids to school and I saw the sun shining.  I felt uplifted by this.  Seeing him in my office first thing reminded me that the church he goes to, the church my dad, sister, brother in law, nieces, nephew, uncle, aunt, 2 first cousins, second cousins and even third cousins as well as so many, many friends and even 2 girls from my boot camp go to is there for me. 

Yeah, I have a blockage against church.  Sure as an anxiety sufferer hail, fire and brimstone don't sit well with me but if there exists a place where people that love me congregate several times weekly and I am dying from lack of love in my life...isn't it obvious that I should open myself to the love that is right there?  The easy love that I need, people that accept and love me and have my whole life are literally right there every single week three times a week and I turn my nose up at the thought of going.   

Yep.  I have been hurt.  AGAIN.  I've been beaten against the rocks and I'm weak from the fight and maybe, just maybe I need to overlook the things I don't like about the church, just like they overlook the things they don't like about me and love me anyway. 

I'm terrified to commit to going there.  The same building that I went to three times a week every single week growing up with my grandma and mama who are gone now.  Yes, this is going to be a challenge but you know what?  If I'm weak when I go I can just grab the hand right next to me and hold it while I'm scared because there the hand next to me will be someone that truly loves me and cares about me.  Not just someone that wants me for something, or what I have or how I look.  

Also, I'm on a mission to remember the things that make me happy.  I've got a bit of a jumble on my plate in the upcoming weeks.  It's birthday season in my family.  My nephew's birthday party is on Saturday, my neice and my daughter share a birthday in 2 weeks.  So my schedule is not the most available thing to try out new adventures but it will be.  I will have time, I need to make time to try to do things that make me happy. 

I've had a few more signs that I'm on the right track.  I'm really into being open and perceptive to the signs I'm being sent.  I have picked up on a few things that lead me to believe I should be doing more real estate, which affords me more freedom and more money.  I am needed where I am here at my dad's insurance agency,  I came here after my mom got sick to help.  Since she's died, dad's memory and health have declined, he's had several heart attacks, he's diabetic and has other issues as well, plus he lost the love of his life a year and a half ago, they were together 50 years...childhood sweethearts.  We employee several people and this business is 40 plus years old.  It supported me my entire childhood and the last 4 years.  I am allieviating my dad's stress, I got all the same licensing he had so that he could move toward retirement. Having an almost 40 year old business in a small town that's run by family members is tough though.   

My family are hard workers.  To this day I make the same amount to the penny that I did the day I started--barely enough to get by.  The thing is that I could make more, I should make more but I'd feel terrible and I'd feel like I was taking advantage and mooching off of my dad.  That was one of the things the alcholic liked to say to me to knock me down, he would shout to anyone that would listen that I was mooching off of my dad.  The things he said at first rolled off my back or so I thought but over time he beat me down.  I swear I never had mooching off of my dad in mind.  In these small towns like this where poverty is the norm, people are nasty like that though, they're jealous and they like to talk because there's nothing else to do so nasty things like this are just said and believed.  The truth is that I bust my ass.  I take all the heat cases, I sell more than anyone here, I am the first one here, I stay through lunch, I do my best.  I am also the only other licensed agent.  I busted my ass to get the state licenses, considerable ass.  The other people here have failed these tests repeatedly.  My dad even failed them the first time.  I passed all of them the first time and made a 90 or better on all of them as well.  I also hold a real estate broker's license as well that I don't use.  A license that is considerably more lucrative that sits there not being used because I like working in a box 10 hours a day to struggle for some reason.  To have a real estate broker's license in this state is difficult.  I feel it wasting.  It's just that it's expensive to operate.  I have to carry e&O insurance, join the area mls, assoc of realtors, pay for advertising, signs and on and on.  It's definitely an investment. 

It's a bunch more money though.  It's also stressful too and it's so feast and famine.  People don't buy properties in Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb so the rest of the year you have to make up for that which makes you feel like a badass that should be allowed to spend money and then like clockwork November comes around and the money runs out real fast.  Chicken one month, feathers the next.  Always was but I really think that working for my dad for the last four years has really taught me a lot.  I was in real estate the entire time I was away from here.  I worked from like 10 to 3 most days, when I wanted, if I wanted.  I have a degree in Business Marketing and this was a time in my life when i felt that my talents were being put to best use.  Not that I don't get to sell now, I do, and I love it.  I could sell anything and love it but here if I sell 100 policies or no policies my check is exactly the same.  When I was in real estate, I would just decide 'this month I want to pay to take the kids to Disney' and so I'd figure exactly what I needed to make to provide whatever it was I wanted to provide and then I'd search for properties I liked and then I'd market the heck out them until I was inundated with people calling.  It was fun.  It was a long time ago though.  4 years and I'm not really into social media although I could be.  I'm not stupid, I'm sure I could figure out how to be a social media queen if it meant that I could be out of this office.  

I wish that I could get out of the office more.  The thing is that my licenses need to hang to protect my family.  If something happened to my dad and my licenses weren't in place the doors would be forced shut immediately.  The bank accounts frozen.  The families we support out of luck.  

The funniest part of all of this is that I write the checks.  I do the books.  In essence it's already mine, I just let things like my aunt keeping track of my sick days get to me.  I can't be late, I don't take lunch, I fill in and take payments when anyone is sick and I don't want to do this anymore. 

The thing is that there are alot of things wrong with my life.  There have been for years.  Since my mom got sick, since my husband drained our bank account and beat my children and I for the last time.  Since my best friend decided that she didn't want to be friends anymore, since I decided that I wanted to be in an abusive alcholic relationship--the job has been the least of my problems.  It actually has been a blessing to have a steady paycheck--to not have to put myself out there and risk anything.  

I do show up everyday on time, I am a single mom so there are a handful of days here and there that I'm needed as a parent when they're sick or need to go to the dentist or have an award ceremony and this job does allow me to do that.  So would real estate though.  

I thought at one point that I could combine the two.  I still could I guess, I just need support in doing so.  My dad would totally support this so I don't know why I don't take that to be the truth, he's never lied to me in my life and he's the best person I know in general.  

He'd give me commercial space in his precious office with it's own exterior door and signage on the main street, right next to the brand new Tractor Supply that just came into town. (I negotiated that real estate contract by the way, I managed the vacant building after the previous occupant went under and I even managed the repairs and maintenance while contract negotiations were going on). That's what I did for a living in Austin.  Doing it here was wonderful but nothing I could survive on. There just isn't enough commercial real estate here.  Doing what I loved for a little while here though was great--even though I was doing it on top of being a single parent with a more than full time job.

I'd have very little to no risk in this other than I'd have to come up with some cash to get the thing rolling.  I wanted to put up a board outside near Tractor Supply with local available ranch land.  I could become the ranch guru.   I love it, I should do this so seriously.  Goals.  

One step at a time and today that step is to focus on Sunday, get through today and pray for these goals and the strength to turn them into reality.  Bootcamp tonight is honestly about all I can focus on right now and I think that will be plenty to occupy my crazy mind for now.  



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