The death of happiness

Oh thoughts, the worst thing just happened.  The alcoholic called here, I was nice to him, although I didn't want to be. I didn't want to talk to him at all.  I've avoided him, I've gone out of my way to get him completely out of my life.  I just got through the call as quickly as I could to be able to hang up.  He sent this email though.  My dumb self responded, telling him all the reasons that i'm really forever done.  It was truthful but also at the end I said that I wanted the best for him multiple times. After months of not seeing, talking, nor any contact at all.  Although he has called here twice.  No one else will answer the phone, I did, just to see what was so important. Nothing was important.  He wanted to know what I've been doing.  

He sent back an attack email.  He called me a pathological liar, a narcissist said I he was going to have my licenses taken away, said he was going to file a complaint with CPS against me, said my ex best friend said I need lithium. Said every member of my family said I need an intervention, that I need to take my medication said that everything was my fault, said I'd never be able to hang onto a man because I'm too psycho.  

After a few months of not having to hear things like this every single day, hearing them today just...you know I don't have a word.  I can instead tell you the physical symptoms, I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and stabbed me in the heart, I'm on edge and anxious, dizzy, crying and sick in general.  I was happy before that. 

I asked my brother in law try to help me figure out how to block him from my work email.  He read some of the emails and then we were talking about it and I told him I sleep with a baseball bat every night.  This is the truth.  The alcoholic breaks in, he's done it hundreds of times.  I almost got arrested once because I woke up to him 2 inches from my face screaming that my kids are assholes at 3 am. I was terrified, I'd been asleep since like 10 pm. I wear my grandmother's wedding ring and it's loose on me, when I pushed him away from my face it caught his lip.  He called the cops.  I was dragged out to my front porch and handcuffed with my kids asleep in the house.  I was almost arrested.  The cops went through my entire house with flashlights.  

My brother in law called the police just now.  He talked to the police chief.  He told her what's been happening.  I've blocked him from my phone, facebook, personal email but he's been calling my office and sending threatening emails. She said that I should get a firearm.  If I almost got arrested because I pushed him away and my ring caught his lip, what in hell would happen to me if I shot him.  

Why did I respond to that email?  I just wanted him to stop.  I tried to be as firm and yet polite as possible, and got fire back.  

The thing is that I haven't been sleeping.  The more times he calls and sends emails, the harder it is for me to sleep.  The more scared I am.  I sleep with a baseball bat in my arms.  If you can call it sleep.  

He held me at gunpoint a few months ago.  He grabbed his loaded AR something and pointed right at my head.  He shut his eyes, pursed his lips and started saying something under his breath with his finger on the trigger. I was petrified.  I'm still petrified.  Just thinking about it terrifies me. 

The thing with the things he says is that they just go straight to the bone.  They make me believe them. 

Why in the world would I try to date someone else?  I feel like I am a narcissist.  I feel like I am a terrible mom.  I feel like my best friend hates me and thinks I need lithium so I must be completely worthless.  She abandoned me weeks before my mom died, 30 years, I even let her live off my credit card for months when she hit hard times and never pay me back, I helped her move, I was her maid of honor.  It's just that every single time I stood up to him, he went straight to her and lied and said things to make her believe I was just flying off the handle.  Not a word about any of the things he did to push me there.  Anyone would get tired of that.  I know this because after she excused herself from my life, he started doing it to my exhusband.  

I even remember him telling me this story about how his ex, the babymama, had done something and he went to her grandpa to tattle and he told the alcoholic verbatim "Bloods thicker than water, get the fuck off my land".  

Tell me that's not exactly what he's done to me. 

He says I don't take responsibility for anything I did wrong.  

I don't know what I did. I would've stayed with him forever if he'd stopped drinking.  I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I didn't steal, I didn't even make him pay bills. 

I didn't go anywhere with him though.  I did in the beginning.  Then he'd do things like wait until we were about to walk in somewhere to tell me I look fat so literally as we are walking in the door to a place I'd have the wind knocked out of me.  Most of the time though, he'd get ridiculously drunk when we were out and I was just there to be his babysitter, mortified at the things he said and did.  

Whenever he left, he'd go on a 'juls is a psycho' world tour telling everyone that would listen, then he expected me to want to hang out with these people.  

I just stopped wanting to go anywhere with him. 

I don't know if there even is the kind of reassurance for feeling this way.

I mean my family tells me, my friends have told me how much they hate him, even clients have told me how horrible he is.  I don't know what to do. 

My kids just left for the weekend and I feel so weak.  

I was looking forward to the weekend, I was going to leave after work and go get myself a new outfit and a spray tan just for fun because of the date.  Now I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. 

Funny how when these attacks were a part of my everyday life they didn't seem to effect me like this, maybe they did but I was more used to them.  

I don't know what to do. 

xoxo, 

juls

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Comments (9)

  1. dreamshadow59

    Almost sounds like you’re suffering from PTSD. I hope you feel better and can leave behind these angry feelings.

    February 03, 2017
    1. juls

      Thanks Sooz. I was just about to update, the new guy, the one that’s been my friend forever—he texted to see how I was, and I told him it had been a tough day, nothing else. He said I bet I know why it was a tough day, I’m going to come there and just be there with you—even if I have to sit in your driveway to make sure you’re ok. This makes me feel so much better. I’m sure I would’ve been fine, but it’s so nice. It really cheered me up. Thanks sweet friend, I definitely have PTSD, I struggle but being here has changed my whole life.

      February 03, 2017
  2. Azalia

    He’s gaslighting you hun. What a disgusting creep that man is

    February 03, 2017
  3. Azalia

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/gaslighting-know-it-and-identify-it-protect-yourself

    February 03, 2017
  4. Aaron7984

    Hey Juls! Don’t let that weak ass man get under that beautiful skin of yours. He is upset that you have decided to move on and he knows that he can possibly get under your skin by being hateful but that only shows that he is miserable without you. Everything he said is to try to hurt you into feeling like you’re not any good for no one. It’s sad that he has to try to hurt you because he can’t have you. He just don’t know whatever chance he possibly had is pissed away with the childish stunt he just pulled. Know that a man will come along and appreciate the love you have to offer him but don’t let the words of that loser get to you.

    February 03, 2017
  5. RRoe

    Hugs. No one should have to put up with that stuff. I don’t know if I would run away or shot him. I have no advise, just some hugs.

    February 05, 2017
  6. juls

    I’m so blessed to have you guys. It’s been a rough weekend but I’m still here. Still standing. My old friend did come here. He took me to dinner, then we just talked forever, then he slept on my couch with his gun just to make sure nothing happened Friday night. Saturday he had to work so he woke me up and made me promise I would leave my house asap. He called me five minutes later. He said the ex was at the end of the driveway and that he had followed him, he said he pulled over at the gas station and motioned for the alcoholic to stop but the alcoholic just peeled out as soon as he got close enough to see him. I mean I’m still texting with the new guy but it’s definitely probably ruined things—who would want to be involved with someone with this in their life? I had plans to meet up with a girlfriend to go out for margaritas last night, about 2 hours before she texted me asking if I was ok and what was going on because he had texted her. She said he told her I called the police on him, that I was a liar because I told him I went out with her when really I had a random guy at my house and that I talked all kinds of shit about her. I never told him I was even meeting up with her. Now I wonder if he’s somehow getting into my messages. Either way she was really worried about me, and said she didn’t want to deal with him but that I should come sleep at her house. I apologized profusely and excused myself from our plans because if I had gone-he would’ve just showed up wherever we were and done god knows what. I stayed gone all day yesterday but I’d worked out and I was really tired so against every friends advise I went home. I was kind of ready for a show down. He is making me scared in my own home and it’s hard to live like this. Thankfully nothing happened. Except that he ruined my weekend yet again and possibly the new relationship I was so happy about. The new guy is insistent that he meet with the alcoholic-he really thinks the guy needs to be put in his place. I’d never let that happen. Like driving a brand new Porsche through wet cement-just a ridiculous shame. He really doesn’t need to be putting himself in that situation with someone so not worth it. I don’t understand why months later all of the sudden I matter so much when he left in a cloud of threats and insults with everything he owns months ago and more importantly I just really no longer care. I called the police about the stalking of my friend Saturday-just so there’s a record and my phone is on me at all times so 911 is right here at a moments notice. I really appreciate the support in a time when I need it most. You’re the very best people! Thank you!

    February 06, 2017
  7. juls

    Looking back here makes me so mad. At myself. For not seeing what a complete monster he was sooner. It was 100 percent ALL him and the sad internalizing of his serious mental issues is just sad to read. I’m so thrilled it’s over. I don’t know why it was different breaking up with him this time but it was thank God. His game is so obvious to me now I would say I can read him like a book, but it’s really more like a coloring book you need the fat crayons for. Put me down to distract from the fact that he’s a complete joke. He’s not even a joke anymore to me. He’s absolutely nothing. Exactly what he deserves to be. This fool is shaken off.

    March 27, 2017
  8. wirelessguru1

    What’s going on?

    March 27, 2017