Oh thoughts, the worst thing just happened. The alcoholic called here, I was nice to him, although I didn't want to be. I didn't want to talk to him at all. I've avoided him, I've gone out of my way to get him completely out of my life. I just got through the call as quickly as I could to be able to hang up. He sent this email though. My dumb self responded, telling him all the reasons that i'm really forever done. It was truthful but also at the end I said that I wanted the best for him multiple times. After months of not seeing, talking, nor any contact at all. Although he has called here twice. No one else will answer the phone, I did, just to see what was so important. Nothing was important. He wanted to know what I've been doing.
He sent back an attack email. He called me a pathological liar, a narcissist said I he was going to have my licenses taken away, said he was going to file a complaint with CPS against me, said my ex best friend said I need lithium. Said every member of my family said I need an intervention, that I need to take my medication said that everything was my fault, said I'd never be able to hang onto a man because I'm too psycho.
After a few months of not having to hear things like this every single day, hearing them today just...you know I don't have a word. I can instead tell you the physical symptoms, I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and stabbed me in the heart, I'm on edge and anxious, dizzy, crying and sick in general. I was happy before that.
I asked my brother in law try to help me figure out how to block him from my work email. He read some of the emails and then we were talking about it and I told him I sleep with a baseball bat every night. This is the truth. The alcoholic breaks in, he's done it hundreds of times. I almost got arrested once because I woke up to him 2 inches from my face screaming that my kids are assholes at 3 am. I was terrified, I'd been asleep since like 10 pm. I wear my grandmother's wedding ring and it's loose on me, when I pushed him away from my face it caught his lip. He called the cops. I was dragged out to my front porch and handcuffed with my kids asleep in the house. I was almost arrested. The cops went through my entire house with flashlights.
My brother in law called the police just now. He talked to the police chief. He told her what's been happening. I've blocked him from my phone, facebook, personal email but he's been calling my office and sending threatening emails. She said that I should get a firearm. If I almost got arrested because I pushed him away and my ring caught his lip, what in hell would happen to me if I shot him.
Why did I respond to that email? I just wanted him to stop. I tried to be as firm and yet polite as possible, and got fire back.
The thing is that I haven't been sleeping. The more times he calls and sends emails, the harder it is for me to sleep. The more scared I am. I sleep with a baseball bat in my arms. If you can call it sleep.
He held me at gunpoint a few months ago. He grabbed his loaded AR something and pointed right at my head. He shut his eyes, pursed his lips and started saying something under his breath with his finger on the trigger. I was petrified. I'm still petrified. Just thinking about it terrifies me.
The thing with the things he says is that they just go straight to the bone. They make me believe them.
Why in the world would I try to date someone else? I feel like I am a narcissist. I feel like I am a terrible mom. I feel like my best friend hates me and thinks I need lithium so I must be completely worthless. She abandoned me weeks before my mom died, 30 years, I even let her live off my credit card for months when she hit hard times and never pay me back, I helped her move, I was her maid of honor. It's just that every single time I stood up to him, he went straight to her and lied and said things to make her believe I was just flying off the handle. Not a word about any of the things he did to push me there. Anyone would get tired of that. I know this because after she excused herself from my life, he started doing it to my exhusband.
I even remember him telling me this story about how his ex, the babymama, had done something and he went to her grandpa to tattle and he told the alcoholic verbatim "Bloods thicker than water, get the fuck off my land".
Tell me that's not exactly what he's done to me.
He says I don't take responsibility for anything I did wrong.
I don't know what I did. I would've stayed with him forever if he'd stopped drinking. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I didn't steal, I didn't even make him pay bills.
I didn't go anywhere with him though. I did in the beginning. Then he'd do things like wait until we were about to walk in somewhere to tell me I look fat so literally as we are walking in the door to a place I'd have the wind knocked out of me. Most of the time though, he'd get ridiculously drunk when we were out and I was just there to be his babysitter, mortified at the things he said and did.
Whenever he left, he'd go on a 'juls is a psycho' world tour telling everyone that would listen, then he expected me to want to hang out with these people.
I just stopped wanting to go anywhere with him.
I don't know if there even is the kind of reassurance for feeling this way.
I mean my family tells me, my friends have told me how much they hate him, even clients have told me how horrible he is. I don't know what to do.
My kids just left for the weekend and I feel so weak.
I was looking forward to the weekend, I was going to leave after work and go get myself a new outfit and a spray tan just for fun because of the date. Now I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
Funny how when these attacks were a part of my everyday life they didn't seem to effect me like this, maybe they did but I was more used to them.
I don't know what to do.