Omg thoughts. I want to burst. The most insane amazing thing happened to me last night. I'll tell you but first I'm going to tell you where I was right before it happened.
The last few days have been rough. For some reason I've been hyper focusing on the nice ex. I actually texted him and he was nice and texted back but didn't reach out again. It was just cordial. I'm feeling lonely right now, I thought he might be an answer but he just wasn't as interested as I'd hoped he would be and thank God for that.
The prayers that I've been blessed enough to have sent up on my behalf literally saved me from the brink of disaster. I could've forced that situation. I almost did. I've forced things before.
Something happened last night. I mean I had found the end of facebook. It was so depressing, the chime that indicates an email has come in is about all the activity my phone is seeing and the sad thing is that I've had that email for 10 years and it is 99.999% spam. An email from Abercrombie and Fitch is the highlight of my life. Seriously.
This friend of mine posted this video and it was so funny, it was a psa for guys on dating and had a crazy/hot graph. I mean I busted out laughing and couldn't stop. I troll Facebook, I don't post or comment hardly at all but that was so funny that I did.
I have to tell you about this friend.
Firstly lately I am so delusional. I wrap myself up in these things that don't matter and the things that do matter like friends and church and decent people I avoid. I don't know why I do it. I will step over a decent person to go for the psycho mess every single time. Until I joined this boot camp. I haven't pushed anyone away since I've started (well, that's not entirely true. I did push the alcholic to the curb for good so there's that). I've got friends. I love my trainer, I am so blessed to have her in my life. She is just the most precious person. I went to school with her sister and cousins. She's considerably younger than I am but I know her whole family. She's married to this famous local singer, sort of like Randy Rogers but more regional and he's just really getting started so I think he'll have big things in his future. All that to say that I've never mentioned this friend here before and for the life of me I can't think of why.
If I were reading this muck, I would think I was a slutty slut with all the exes. Seriously. For posterity's sake here's the breakdown:
Married to the same guy for 17 years. Then about a year with the guy that was 7 years younger. Then I 'dated' this guy, the friend I'm talking about for maybe three weeks. Then the nice ex for about 3 months. Then the alcoholic for 3 and a half years. That brings us here. It does sound like a lot but it's the entirety of my romantic life. 5. Sure there have been lots of flirtations but that's the ugly truth right there. 5.
I don't bring this guy up much because the brief time that we dated was the worst time of my life. I was still in Austin, I'd just found out about my mom's cancer, I was trying to sell my house and business and move down to be with my parents because they needed me and at the time I was splitting time between here and Austin, while my kids were still in school in Austin so there were three nights a week I was away from them and it was so hard. There was also a protective order in place against my exhusband after he assaulted me and a girlfriend and my kids. Moving, divorce, death, changing jobs and when I was with him time stopped.
He became an addiction because I could escape from it all in him when he was around, I mean I didn't have a lot of time for him but when I we did get together well...the best way I can describe it is like being on a merry go round and there's someone standing next to you, your eyes fixate on that person and everything else swirls around them in constant blurred motion. That's how it felt.
There's this old song by Ray Lamontagne that sounds like that felt. It's called Shelter and there's this part where it completely changes tempo, it slows way down and if you shut your eyes you can see the chaos swirling around these two people while they cling to each other. 'When everything around us falls, I tell you what we're gonna do--you will shelter me and I will shelter you'. That is exactly what being with him was like. Everything but him swirled. He is the strongest person I've ever met. He is the only person on the planet strong enough to hold me and take away all the pain, he always has been. Me minus the pain is completely different and I can almost remember that when I'm around him.
I ended it because he lived in Shiner and I was being pulled back to nowhere from Austin and there were just too many things pulling at me and something had to give, I gave him up because he was mine, all the other things pulling at me were for the kids or my parents or family.
I do have a few notes about this brief interlude. While it was the worst time of my life, his presence was just a pure light type of thing in my life. All of the sudden he was there and it was so completely good to me in every way.
We didn't date in high school. We have this weird chemistry. We were born a day apart and I think that's why. You can almost feel this pull between us and it's always been there. Always. We played golf together, he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend but when we golfed we were able to spend time together because we were both on the golf team and so we golfed all the time. We went to state all three years we played on the golf team. We lettered in golf our freshman year. Dorks. I know.
Golf is how he's kept up with me through the years, although we have lots of things in common but that's ours. I got this message from him a few weeks ago, that I totally ignored. Mainly because I was still hurting, I still wanted to be hurting and I can't tell you how silly I feel for that now. The message said that he stopped in at the golf course on his way through town and the golf pro came right up to him and told him that he needed to drag me away from the loser I was dating.
The golf pro is my dad's best friend. He's always been a part of the family as far as I can remember. The alcholic currently plays golf there, i mean he's an absolute joke at it but he likes to get drunk there. I don't golf anymore. I won't go to the golf course because the alcholic cheated on me with his ex there and completely humiliated me...hence the golf pro's edict to this guy.
This guy is the only guy in the world that I'd feel safe enough to bring around and not care who saw. Even if the alcholic tried to start something, this guy is like steel. I have seen him put people in their place. He was the star football player, the most amazing baseball player, he ran track, won state in golf, he's all into weightlifting, he's all about his body and I know that if the monster tried anything not only would he be fearless but he'd not take one iota of bullshit in front of me. To the point that I'd be scared for whomever challenged him.
I can't tell him the things that have gone on. I can't tell him the things the alcholic did because he will kill him. I don't want him to ever get hurt because of that loser so I will leave my pain here.
Like Taylor Swift says 'for the first time what's past is past'.
Long story short, he never posts on Facebook, he posted on there last night and I commented and then he messaged me and I swear to you right now if I could figure out how to post screen shots of it, you'd be in tears right now.
I told you about golf. I told you we were born a day apart what I didn't tell you is how similar we are. He's so strong. He's so steady. He's such an amazing writer. He's like a slow running stream that you don't realize is 30 feet deep until you get in. He's a cowboy. He is a champion team roper and I love watching him, it is the best thing ever. He's such a loner. He's so hard on himself. He takes care of himself and likes doing things that make him feel better. He's possessive and he would never cheat, not for a second. He is the best at everything he does and he doesn't have a clue how amazing he is. His smile is devastating. He's the perfect height, I can wear high heels and he's still taller than me. He's so strong, he picked me up once and didn't even make that grunting noise that makes you want to never eat again.
He likes whiskey, but only very occassionally like me. He's so smart. He went to a good college just like me. He has a great job. He's not in financial crisis. He loves his kids and they come first, my kids come first too.
The best part about him is that he's been there all along. He really has. He's always texted or called to check in and make sure I'm ok. Last night he even apologized because I pushed him away when I needed him most, he said he only backed off because he didn't want to jeopardize my relationship but he felt so bad for not being there when my mom died and he knew I needed him.
He also made me promise, whether we fall madly in love and are together for the rest of our lives or if we don't and go on to be with other people that we will never lose touch again. He was forceful in his insistence that I agree too. He was serious.
I took me a while to stop freaking out about the commitment to such a forceful request, you know me, the second a good guy wants me I flip out and become disinterested but this was different. I took a deep breath and imagined his face and then I texted him this:
Thank you for not giving up on me. I know I pushed you away and I'm so sorry. I will be here for you in any way you need me. You and me til the end, no matter how we fit, I promise.
And do you know what? I meant it. I would drive to the end of the earth to help him.
His mom died of cancer a few years ago and I was so hurt for him. He was married at the time and I was too, there was no fooling around or anything untoward but I went to her funeral. I sat there and I cried for him.
He tried to help me through my mom dying too. I wish I'd have let him.
Anyway here we are now. It's hard not to get my hopes up, the thing is that with him I don't see why I shouldn't. I'm telling you the entire time we dated was wonderful. He says nice things to me. He does nice things for me. He is just nice. It's so weird and I'm so not used to it but it makes me blush and want to say nice things about him too and do nice things for him. He makes me smile and laugh and that's something I thought would never happen again. He says I make him feel like a super hero. He totally should feel that way. He really is about the closest thing I've ever met.
A man that's been there all along. A man that's loved me for half our lives. A man that is an actual man and not a scum bag that will hurt me. A man that people who love me have told to rescue me. I hate even thinking about the douchebags that have hurt me when he's in my mind because they aren't even the same species.
I can't not tell you about the time we had sex, I know it's weird and gross and tmi. I know this but I feel like if I can't be honest here, where can I? Plus I have no one to tell about these things and if I don't tell someone I think I'll burst. It was like the third time we went out a few years ago, and it was like one of those things you know is coming and while you're excited about it your hands are sweaty and your stomach is full of butterflys. He told me last night he felt that way too. He took me to this gorgeous restaurant and we had drinks and dessert at this cool bar afterward and then he surprised me with this gorgeous hotel suite that had roses waiting in it. It was a lot of pressure but I had 2 martinis so I was almost drunk anyway. He says he lost count at 10 times that night and it wasn't like it was just me or just him it was both of us and it was always that way. Whether it was playing golf and not wanting to stop or talking or texting or messaging or whatever we decide to do together, it's just something we don't want to stop.
Me and him together til the end no matter how we fit.
Scary but I'm happy right now and I can't tell you the last time that even happened so I'm gonna roll with it.
He's the only person I can talk to like I talk to you here. I don't have to hold anything back from him, he can actually understand me. He gets pushing people away, he gets losing your mom, he gets divorce, he gets moving, he gets changing jobs and he gets where I came from. He loves my family and they love him. He was a running back in high school and he wore my dad's number, he had to get special permission from my dad and then he made all state with it. I can not stop smiling.
I was like this the whole time I dated him before too.