The only thing in the drawer.


Now that life is happy again, I am struggling to keep center in and of myself.  I've been hurt enough in my life to know how important it is. 


I won't give up the working out.  That's just for me.  Yes, it is an incredible struggle.  After all I am still a single mother.  My laundry is piled up, my floor is coated with fluffy dog hair dust bunnies and I am a known plant killer--except for the knee high weeds that currently reside in my yard.


These things...they just don't matter that much.  Happiness it turns out has very little to do with the cleanliness of your home.  


I've blogged here about the dimes.  I won't go into a huge thing about it but here is what you need to know about it: 


My mother's mother was obsessed with dimes her entire life.  She hoarded them.  It stemmed from a childhood visit to her spinster aunt's house during which she was given a penny and a dime and told to go to the store to buy paint with the dime and a piece of candy with the penny.  On the way in she put the dime in the candy machine accidentally and spent the next few days locked in a closet.  

When my mother was born, she and my grandfather had fallen on hard times and they paid for my mother's hospital bill with the dimes she'd hoarded her entire life. 


When she died--we discovered a locked closet in her house that was filled with them.     


Since she's died there have been so many times that my mom, sister and I have randomly found dimes in unbelievable places.  I could tell you a hundred stories just about that.  I truly feel like she leaves them for us.  We all did. 


At any rate I'm telling you this because of that exact thing.  I know she leaves them for me.  I find them in the strangest places.  Places where dimes aren't normally.  Almost always when I'm doing something for my kids.  Cleaning.  Cooking.  Playing board games.  Once even when I unfolded the newspaper that came in the mail to do the crossword puzzle...inside the paper.  She loved crossword puzzles. 


This weekend was Mother's day.  My second without my mom.  I decided that sitting around the house moping was not happening so Friday about 1 pm I decided that we were going away for the weekend.  


We live a few hours from the coast.  I wouldn't say that I'm a huge ocean person but faced with a weekend of lying in bed crying because I missed my mother it turns out that the coast is incredibly appealing.  


I loaded up my parent's rv and we headed out.  


The dimes, I still notice but I don't place the importance on them I once did.  I pick them up, kiss them and put them in my pocket and say "love you Grandma" every time I find one.  Several times a day.  Everyday.  She was the closest thing to an angel on earth I've ever known.  It wouldn't surprise me one bit if she were an angel now.  


But since my Mom's been gone, I mean I feel her with me sometimes but it sort of feels like maybe she's still learning.  She isn't as present as my Grandma's always been.  I know she loves me.  I know she wants me to be happy.  After I wrote that I immediately remembered some very bold things that happened about 6 months after she died that were eye opening and very much how my mom would want things to happen.  I'm such a spoiled ingrate.  


Sunday morning the kids and I were sunburned and sleeping in was the order of the day.  That RV is wonderful for doing that.  The hum of the generator, the fact that it gets downright artic in there...aaaah.  As a single mom, sleeping in just doesn't happen for me.  Sunday it did.  I woke up about 10 and it was heaven.  When I was packing up to leave and I opened the drawer next to the bed I slept in to make sure I'd gotten everything.  


The only thing in that drawer was a single wallet sized photo.  


Taken in 1977.  


Me and my mom.  


Thank you Mom for reminding me how well you loved me.  I still miss you every single minute of every single day.  I would give anything to hug you so tight.  Thank you for being with me on Mother's day.  




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Comments (3)

  1. This comment has been deleted
  2. Aaron7984

    Wow! I enjoyed reading this and something similar happen to me yesterday thinking about my grandma Pat’s on the back that could clear your airway. Lol! We were and still are loved by those who have gone onward before us but it hurts to not have them physically here when we need them. God knew you would need some strength and encouragement so them “dimes” are that reminder to not bury yourself in grief but to rejoice in the memories y’all created together or the stories she told you. Your comments yesterday helped me to realize God blessed me with 32 wonderful years with my grandma and I enjoyed her until she was heading onward. So thank you and happy mother’s day. i will keep you in my prayers and hope to chat and read more from you as well.

    May 15, 2017
    1. juls

      Thank you Aaron, you definitely made my day. I hope we can both not bury ourselves in grief. You know I have to say it’s never the same but it gets easier. I pray for that for you too, easier and more writing because you have such talent—and you were raised right! A true testament to your grandmother! Thank you for the lovely wishes friend. You’re in my prayers too. Hugs!

      May 15, 2017
      1. Aaron7984

        thank you as well for having someone to share that experience openly takes a lot. The pain you feel in natural and not without warrant because these are people we loved and impacted our lives for the better. I think my problem with my grandma passing wasn’t that she is gone but the way she passed away and how everybody went about stuff. I knew she was going to leave this world one day but the way she passed wasn’t natural and no one should experience the last moments with someone they love like I had to endure. My grandma felt like a burden on my family because no one did anything with her or for her but when she did stuff they yelled and fussed at her like she was wrong. I enjoyed her so much just the photos I took of us, the dinners I made she enjoyed, taking her out to different place and letting her just enjoy herself. The last time I went to church with her she enjoyed it. I was raised and she is a large part of the man I am. Thanks for being so open and I look forward to us getting passed the pain we have and rejoicing in their lives. hugs and love friend

        May 15, 2017