The scary weekend

I dread the weekends when my kids are gone.  They make me depressed, honestly i usually spend most of them in bed binge watching something and that's just sad and definitely not something I can continue doing.  I mean I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  There a finite amount of time I will tolerate loneliness and today I'm defining the parameters!


So despite my best attempts at keeping myself single through this thing my stupid mind won't stop scanning the horizon for someone to grasp onto RIGHT NOW!  I have to address this because it's like my heart is crying out and I think it's perpetuating the depression and anxiety. I decided that every time I start thinking of grabbing on to some guy I'm instead going to look in the mirror.  It's worked so far but I am going to add a little twist today.  I'm moving my dumbells right in front of the mirror and now every single time I think about a guy I'm going to look in the mirror and do Russian twists and melt the last bits of pudge right off me.  


Eventually when I look in the mirror I'm going to think 'hell yeah you deserve a guy' and when that day comes I want to be ready.


Something tells me that it's going to be about four weeks until I'm ready, that's just a rough guess but somehow having a date at which I will consider myself ready to date is reassuring.  I think that the just uncertainty is causing me anxiety so I'm going to call it as February 22.   February 22 is the day that I'm going to update my profile and actually put myself out there. 


I also have this intuition that it will be about four monthes before I meet someone serious.  Just some sort of gut feeling, nothing set in stone nor anything that will either hinder or rush me into committing to the wrong one.  Believe me I'll know when its love. 


Nope.  Everything in my life will not be perfect by that date.  I will not have hoards of friends but I am going to get the hell back out there anyway.  My life wasn't perfect when I met the last guy or the one before that or the one before that so why am I being so hard on myself right now?  


That's a month girl.  I am not going to stress.   All I'm going to focus on in between here and there is keeping up with the diet and exercise, scheduling a dental appt, getting my hair done, Botox, and regular maintenance like nails and baths and lotion.  


There are a few other things that i want to do before then but they're just super easy things I've been using as road blocks like cleaning my car and finishing the middle room.  


I took the day off today.  I had fever all night last night and I was just too weak to do much of anything today.  I did manage to get off of my ass and go pick up some antibiotics which are already making me feel so much better.  


I think i just needed something to look forward to.  I feel like everything is about to start coming together, it's just a feeling that good things are coming-despite the sickness, despite the very ugly and damaging break up, despite the unhappiness in general.  Things are going to be so much better for me imminently!


This self consciousness is something I can beat.  It's so easy and all it takes is getting back to who I used to be.  Who i used to be loved being a girly girl.  I need time to pamper myself.  Baths, facials, nails, waxing, microdermabrasion, lotion, candles, deep conditioning, teeth whitening--these are all things that I used to do before I met him--when I used to have so much confidence.  That's where I'm headed back to this weekend.  


This is weekend I am working on unearthing that girl, working out, preparing my diet for the week, getting my nails done, and scheduling some things for the next month like hair, teeth and botox appt.


I'm going to do some research on how to look good in pics and also pick out some hot goal reward clothes from Neimans because I have a gift card that I'm saving for the perfect hot reward for all my hard work.


Nothing to be dreading or scared of.  This isn't the end of anything.  It's the beginning of me not walking on eggshells.  It's the beginning of me getting to be silly and happy again.  Love is coming and I am so excited.  Me loving me again is what matters most And that's what this weekend is all about.


So my goals for the rest of my day are to a get my kitchen clean, change my sheets to help me get to feeling better faster and to meditate tonight because last night was full of fever driven nightmares.  


Also something to meditate on...I got this vibe telling me that its getting time to move.  I don't know exactly how that's going to work out just yet but it's coming because this house is one of my very biggest stressors and no one should have to live like this when I could literally live anywhere for what it costs to live here.  


I am working on getting my credit repaired right now and so I feel like that is something I'm Building towards.  I mean insulation would change my life.  Sad.  I know.  

Lots to think about today, but I'm loving it and I'm not scared of the looming weekend anymore.


xoxo, juls

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Comments (6)

  1. rebecca2013

    don’t keep selling yourself short, find some healthy outlets for yourself, sitting and dwelling on the situation only perpetuates the sadness and the loneliness~~Dr, Rebecca

    January 20, 2017
    1. juls

      Thanks Rebecca. I feel so limited Bc I’m stuck in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. I hear you though, I can’t even remember the things I like doing tbh. I just don’t fit in here. Here women hunt and fish and rodeo and I just haven’t ever had any interest in these things. I used to hike, I liked that when I lived in Austin. Here it’s dry and the land is barren and there’s not water or parks so hiking Is out. i have hobbies now, they just isolate me more though— reading, decorating, crafting. I love going to the river but it’s cold out now. I did step up against everything in me and joined the only class held in this town—the boot camp and I am loving it. There’s also bingo but I just can’t bring myself to do that. I went once and I’d be the youngest person there by 30 years. I guess I could make the drive into town (about 3 hours) i really want to move there tbh but my kids are happy here, my sick dads here, my sister just moved back here, my current job is here—the thing is that here is just so limiting and depressing. There are about 4000 people here, businesses are scarce, no movie theater or fun activities. I’m not oblivious, I know what others that live here do for fun, my dads first cousin owns a little saloon and everyone in town goes there on weekends but I just got out of an abusive alcoholic relationship and so that just is out for me. I guess the non drinkers just stay home—that’s what I used to do when I was with the ex. We would grill and people would just show up and drink here until I got fed up with it. I do have girlfriends, we even have a soirée on the calendar for next weekend. Soirée is a joke, it’s sitting around a fire drinking but it’s with people and that won’t suck

      January 20, 2017
      1. rebecca2013

        HUmmm…. yes that is limited…. but again… the more you sit and stew… the worse it gets… I like the idea of the boot camp… That can burn off a lot of anxiety and at the same time boost your confidence. The trouble with small towns is… they are small and limited in activities. I know your children love it there but how long can you thrive in a situation where you are miserable? I won’t tell you what you should do, that isn’t my place. But I think you already know inside…….
        What is the closest REAL town?? is it too far to travel? And by the way I just wanted to say you sound very smart not to want to just sit around and drink… That will guarantee that your depression will worsen. I also hear in this that you are really looking for a “best friend” someone you can confide in. I really hope you find someone that you can establish a relationship with. That would be a huge step forward… but remember Juls…. that person isn’t going to drop out of the sky…. you have to sometimes look for them. Often it is a chore but trust and believe, they are out there…. waiting….Meantime, believe that you can, trust in yourself and keep reaching out. You will be able to be successful once you begin to believe that you can. Having friends often makes the difference, having a “best friend” can curb those blues…. it’s worth a try….~~Becca

        January 20, 2017
  2. juls

    You’re so right. I do have a best friend, or I did. She actually lives here too. She even goes to the boot camp I’m in. Her husband is my alcoholic ex’s best friend—he actually works for my ex occasionally when they both sober up and need money. He is such a huge loser. He doesn’t work unless it’s for gambling money, he gambles away all her money and we aren’t friends anymore bc of him. My drunk ex told me that he had pawned the only things her dad left her when he died—her great grandfathers guns without telling her. I didn’t know what to do bc I knew she’d kill him-probably divorce him and having gone through a divorce I don’t wish that on anyone, so I didn’t say anything. I even went to the pawn shop to see if I could get them out for him but he owed $2100 and it was right before Christmas and I just couldn’t afford to. I knew if I gave him money he’d just gamble it away. I didn’t say anything and I let it eat me up inside. He ended up telling her they were stolen. He gets this job last year after being unemployed for several years and the training is in Oklahoma for 5 days, he talks it up so much, belittles her and her job telling her that his job is going to have to come first and she tells me he wants her to quit. He goes there stays the five days and comes back and tells her he didn’t get the job after all because it wasn’t going to pay him what he wanted. In reality, he got fired on day 2 for grabbing the female trainers butt and calling her sweetheart, then he took my friend’s credit card that he’d stolen and maxed it out at a casino and stayed drunk and coked up for three days. I knew this bc my own alcoholic boyfriend talks way too much. She didn’t even give me time to worry about not telling her, she came over like the next night and confronted me about what I knew. I told her just about the firing and listened to her. He hates me now. He threw me under the bus and will not let us be friends now, tbh she has no friends now outside of couple friends and those are even superficial because everyone hates him. I reached out, I tried to fix it but she said no. We were best friends for 30 years and this all happened as my mom was dying so I have my own resentment towards her for not being there for me when I really needed her like I was when her dad died. I think I have serious trust issues bc of it. I do have my sister and we are close but married women have their husbands and single friends are just occasional-I used to be married I remember how it goes. Your husband is your best friend and as I’m without one of those I’m just not whole right now. San Antonio’s about 3 hours from here but giving up my support group isn’t something I think I could do, I do have my dad, sister, brother in law and a large family here. They step up for me when I need them. I feel like a wilting flower here though and that is something I have to change. Thanks for listening Rebecca. I really appreciate you!

    January 20, 2017
  3. rebecca2013

    ¡de nada! but honestly you sound like you are putting yourself down way too much Chica some ex’s are worse than others it seems…. My ex husband was a cheater and an abuser… I really had put up with all that I could stand…. Divorce was not easy as I am Catholic but it honestly was the best thing for me… I am much happier these days!

    January 20, 2017
  4. rebecca2013

    and you can count me as a friend chica….

    January 21, 2017