I dread the weekends when my kids are gone. They make me depressed, honestly i usually spend most of them in bed binge watching something and that's just sad and definitely not something I can continue doing. I mean I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. There a finite amount of time I will tolerate loneliness and today I'm defining the parameters!
So despite my best attempts at keeping myself single through this thing my stupid mind won't stop scanning the horizon for someone to grasp onto RIGHT NOW! I have to address this because it's like my heart is crying out and I think it's perpetuating the depression and anxiety. I decided that every time I start thinking of grabbing on to some guy I'm instead going to look in the mirror. It's worked so far but I am going to add a little twist today. I'm moving my dumbells right in front of the mirror and now every single time I think about a guy I'm going to look in the mirror and do Russian twists and melt the last bits of pudge right off me.
Eventually when I look in the mirror I'm going to think 'hell yeah you deserve a guy' and when that day comes I want to be ready.
Something tells me that it's going to be about four weeks until I'm ready, that's just a rough guess but somehow having a date at which I will consider myself ready to date is reassuring. I think that the just uncertainty is causing me anxiety so I'm going to call it as February 22. February 22 is the day that I'm going to update my profile and actually put myself out there.
I also have this intuition that it will be about four monthes before I meet someone serious. Just some sort of gut feeling, nothing set in stone nor anything that will either hinder or rush me into committing to the wrong one. Believe me I'll know when its love.
Nope. Everything in my life will not be perfect by that date. I will not have hoards of friends but I am going to get the hell back out there anyway. My life wasn't perfect when I met the last guy or the one before that or the one before that so why am I being so hard on myself right now?
That's a month girl. I am not going to stress. All I'm going to focus on in between here and there is keeping up with the diet and exercise, scheduling a dental appt, getting my hair done, Botox, and regular maintenance like nails and baths and lotion.
There are a few other things that i want to do before then but they're just super easy things I've been using as road blocks like cleaning my car and finishing the middle room.
I took the day off today. I had fever all night last night and I was just too weak to do much of anything today. I did manage to get off of my ass and go pick up some antibiotics which are already making me feel so much better.
I think i just needed something to look forward to. I feel like everything is about to start coming together, it's just a feeling that good things are coming-despite the sickness, despite the very ugly and damaging break up, despite the unhappiness in general. Things are going to be so much better for me imminently!
This self consciousness is something I can beat. It's so easy and all it takes is getting back to who I used to be. Who i used to be loved being a girly girl. I need time to pamper myself. Baths, facials, nails, waxing, microdermabrasion, lotion, candles, deep conditioning, teeth whitening--these are all things that I used to do before I met him--when I used to have so much confidence. That's where I'm headed back to this weekend.
This is weekend I am working on unearthing that girl, working out, preparing my diet for the week, getting my nails done, and scheduling some things for the next month like hair, teeth and botox appt.
I'm going to do some research on how to look good in pics and also pick out some hot goal reward clothes from Neimans because I have a gift card that I'm saving for the perfect hot reward for all my hard work.
Nothing to be dreading or scared of. This isn't the end of anything. It's the beginning of me not walking on eggshells. It's the beginning of me getting to be silly and happy again. Love is coming and I am so excited. Me loving me again is what matters most And that's what this weekend is all about.
So my goals for the rest of my day are to a get my kitchen clean, change my sheets to help me get to feeling better faster and to meditate tonight because last night was full of fever driven nightmares.
Also something to meditate on...I got this vibe telling me that its getting time to move. I don't know exactly how that's going to work out just yet but it's coming because this house is one of my very biggest stressors and no one should have to live like this when I could literally live anywhere for what it costs to live here.
I am working on getting my credit repaired right now and so I feel like that is something I'm Building towards. I mean insulation would change my life. Sad. I know.
Lots to think about today, but I'm loving it and I'm not scared of the looming weekend anymore.